Version Two: No buts

Is this an improvement?

Deborah has a secret
Though she doesn’t know what it is.
The Protector does
And so does Abaddon, the demon king.
Both of them want her destroyed.

Between them, Jonah and Deborah have forged a weapon
that even the demon fears:
Love.

With this arm, the pariah girl and the dog boy
will change the world.

Or die in the attempt.

The but censors should prefer it anyway.(This line isn’t in the blurb, Fran :))

For the readers who don’t like arms either, there’s this version

Deborah has a secret
Though she doesn’t know what it is.
The Protector does
And so does Abaddon, the demon king.
Both of them want her destroyed.

Jonah and Deborah have forged a weapon.
A weapon that even the demon fears:
Love.

Between them, the pariah girl and the dog boy
will change the world.

Or die in the attempt.

Published by

Jane Dougherty

I used to do lots of things I didn't much enjoy. Now I am officially a writer. It's what I always wanted to be.

10 thoughts on “Version Two: No buts”

  1. I’d put a full stop after weapon and then new sentence. A weapon that even the demon fears.

    With love as their weapon the dog boy and pariah girl will save the world or they’ll die trying.

  2. I am not really liking ‘with this arm’. I’m thinking you mean arm as in weapon, and love being that weapon, but that’s not how people would normally phrase it. I had to stop to reread it, and you don’t want readers to stop reading. The rest I liked!

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